On November 27, 200l we found out we were having a baby boy. It was such an exciting time. I had a little girl who wasn't even a year old yet and two stepdaughters who were 8 and 10. Finding out about Camden was such a nice surprise. We all started thinking about a little boy, how different it would be and how dad wouldn't seem so out numbered. The plans began and I could see my husband's joy as he talked about the things he wanted to do with his son. I remember countless conversations about what he was going to look like and what he would be like. I wanted everything to be ready for him so along the way I picked up his blankets, bottles, bibs, binky's, onesies, diapers, clothes, set aside his first outfit and even bought some matching shirts that he and his daddy could wear. Towards the end of my pregnancy we were all so anxious. I went to the Doctor's for a regular checkup. I went to a practice that had two doctor's and we were encouraged to see both because there is no telling which will deliver. I saw the doctor that delivered my daughter and had mentioned how my due date which was April 16th was coming up soon and he informed me that he would be away that week but would induce me on the 10th if I wanted. He said that I would go in at 7:00 a.m. and have a baby by lunchtime. That sounded pretty good to me so I planned on that date and had told everyone I would be getting induced. I thought more about it as time went on and gathered different opinions but it wasn't until I met with my other doctor that changed my mind. He told me that there could be complications with inductions, how there should be a good reason to be induced and convenience isn't one of them. He said it is always best to let the baby come on his own. Even though I might be getting uncomfortable, natural is by far the best way. It made me feel like getting induced early was a selfish choice and I knew that I could never chance his safety. I thought about how my daughter was nine days late and maybe he needed a little extra time as well. I felt like getting induced early was the wrong choice never knowing that decision would be my biggest regret. On April 17th at about 9:00 p.m. my daughter was asleep and I laid down ready to spend some time with my son. He was so active and he usually started around that time. He liked to keep me up at night, I wasn't feeling so good either, I had some cramping and felt like I may be going into labor. For the first time, I didn't feel any movement, I felt nervous and a bit uneasy about it so I looked in a book I had about fetal monitoring and what to do if it slowed down or was hard to detect. Then I felt him move or maybe I just thought that I did because I wanted to so badly, I'm not sure. I even remember calling my mother back and telling her that I felt better because I had felt him... Within a few hours I am on my way to the hospital. Everything seemed okay now because I was in active labor and knew he would be coming soon. I arrived at the hospital shortly after 2:30 a.m. on Thursday April 18th. I got settled and the nurse had come in and said I was five centimeters dialated. I was happy, I thought I am half way there, it was going much faster then it did with my daughter. The nurse was having alot of trouble finding his heartbeat and I started to feel uneasy again but not at all prepared for what was going to happen next. I knew something was wrong but as his mother I didn't let myself think the worst. It was taking too long and she seemed too nervous, she kept saying the doctor will be here soon. My doctor came in and did an ultrasound to see what was going on. I could now tell something was very wrong, it was like he was hesitating, trying to find the words to tell me my son was gone. It was written all over his face but I still needed to hear those words because I wouldn't believe it otherwise. When he turned and said my baby's heart had stopped it hit me like a ton a bricks and my world as I knew it came crashing down. How could I carry a healthy baby for 40 weeks and lose him in an instant. I looked at my doctor and said I should have never changed my mind. As I saw a tear in his eye I knew that he knew what I meant and felt remorseful about talking me out of my plans to be induced. In my heart I know that he gave me advice that he felt was in the best interest of my son and I took it for that same reason but it doesn't change the guilt I feel or the frustration that maybe things could have been different had I chose the other way. I wish I wasn't faced with a choice to make for him. My first decision for his well being, I thought it was the right one, I didn't see how I could go wrong. Then I struggled with whether there was more I could have done, like getting to the hospital quicker. I thought I failed him in everyway, he lost his life inside of me, I couldn't protect him and that is a hard reality. With some convincing from my doctor I did realize that an accident that ocurred in seconds took my son's life and nothing that I could have done would have changed that. So I try not to replay it over and over again and battle the what if's.. I was so unprepared to hear my son was gone. His heart had stopped due to a cord accident. That was something I never ever thought could happen. An accident in the womb, it never crossed my mind and I hadn't heard much about it. I thought I knew everything this time around. No one told me that I had to worry about losing him. Babies just aren't suppose to die but mine did and I was so confused and scared. I had a baby before but now I have one that has passed away and I had no idea how to handle that. I wanted to do the right things, but what were they? I was so afraid of delivering him but I knew that I had to. I was his mother and that is what mother's do. Meanwhile I am in active labor, they offered me an epidural to make me as comfortable as possible but to be honest my heart ached so much that it completely took away my labor pains. When it was delivery time I didn't want to try, I didn't want to let him go.. If only time could just stand still he could stay with me, maybe none of it would be real...But it was and he was born on April 18th 2002 at 6:13 a.m. Camden James was his name and he weighed 8 pounds and 13 ounces. He was 22 inches long. He had a full head of hair and it was so dark... He was absolutely perfect. The most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. He looked alot like his father, just as handsome. It was so hard looking at him, seeing his face, seeing that he was really gone. I have never felt so helpless in my life. As I closely looked at him I became overwhelmed with what was going on. I watched my husband hold him and rock with him next to me and I felt faint. I don't know if it is possible to fall more in love with your children then you already are but when I saw them together I fell hard. I couldn't help it, he was all that we wanted, everything that we pictured him to be. It began to hit me that It wasn't going to be like it was when I had his sister. I wasn't going to be his mommy the way I wanted to be. I wanted him in the room with me but my heart couldn't bear to see him that way anymore, they brought him into the next room but then I couldn't take him being that far away, not wanting him to be alone. I needed him back next to me, my heart was so torn...I remember screaming for someone to just make him better. I think at that moment if I could have traded places with him I would have. How was I going to leave without him? How could any mother leave without their baby? I still don't know how I found the strength to do that. The nurses were wonderful and so compassionate. They took some pictures, cut some of his hair, took his footprints and we had him baptized. The nurses put my keepsakes in a small purple box and that was all I had. 40 weeks of dreams, plans and bonding, to me there wasn't a box big enough. Several hours had passed since he had been born and I knew it was time to leave. I felt like there was a time frame and if I stayed to long I would never be able to walk away. I was already so attached. When it was time to go, I went into his room to say goodbye to my little boy. The room was so quiet and lifeless. Our happiest day had gone terribly wrong. I kept thinking back to my daughter, all the joys had just been ripped away from us. My mind stopped racing for a moment as I realized that we were alone. At last it was just him and I, yet I could barely speak. I looked him over, every inch careful not to miss a single detail. That is a vision that will be forever eteched in my heart. I touched his small face, kissed his cheek and whispered how much I loved him and how sorry I was that I had to leave, I know he felt my love... The nurse came in and I remember asking her how I was going to leave with just a box? She said that I could stay as long as I wanted but that wasn't true, I couldn't stay forever. My husband came into the room and somehow together we walked out leaving a piece of us with him. I really can't express what it was like closing the door and walking away from him, walking down the hall of the hospital, each step further away from him. There are no words that could ever truly describe that feeling. I remember planning his funeral and the whole time I kept thinking about how I should be in the hospital feeding him for the first time or watching him sleep. Instead I found myself going through his dresser to pick out the outfit he would be buried in. It made me feel weak and I wasn't sure if my heart could really take anymore. Everything was happening so fast, I had no idea what I was doing and barely had any time to think it through. The only thing I was sure of was that I needed to do something. I wanted some type of closure. I had a pretty big funeral service and it wasn't by choice it just turned out that way. So many people came and paid their respects to my son. I felt a small sense of pride, so many people came, so many cared and so many got to see my little boy. I got to show him off a little and that may sound strange considering the circumstances but I wanted people to see how beautiful he was and as sad as it is that was my only way. After the service he was buried at a nearby cemetary and I remember looking at the size hole that was dug for him and began to feel faint again, seeing how small it was just knowing that noone that small belonged there. As I watched my husband carry his small casket, I knew in that single moment that he would never again be the same. The ceremony went rather quick, which is what we wanted. It was hard leaving him there yet different then the first time. Maybe because I had left him once before or because he was now put to rest and I knew exactly where he was. The days and weeks that followed were trying times for us. We needed to learn how to live our lives again, our day to day lives. One of the hardest things for me was fighting the strong urges I felt to go and get him. I remember lying awake in the middle of the night holding onto the blanket he was wrapped in just thinking about how I could go to where he was and no one would have to know but me. The hard reality of it was that I wanted to dig him up. I just wanted to hold my baby so badly. The thought of him in the ground became overwhelming. Sometimes I felt so alone in my grief, I was mourning my baby that I gave birth to, that I carried, loved and cherished more then anything. My baby that I thought about every waking moment but knowing that no one else was, no one else could because he didn't touch upon anyone like he did me and I learned not to expect people to understand how I truly felt, it's not something that one can just imagine. I gave up my battle with the world because it didn't matter anymore who got it. It was about me and my life. He was everything to me and losing him took so much out of me, my heart ached so bad that I literally felt like I was dying inside and if it wasn't for my husband I don't know how I would have made it through some of those nights. I held onto him and together we worked through our loss. I began to see that everyone around me was moving on with their lives and I knew that even as hard as it was I would have to try and do the same. I couldn't stand still anymore and let the pain take over because it is truly the kind of pain you could get lost in if your not careful. I realized that moving forward doesn't mean forgetting and doesn't mean not caring, it just means letting my heart heal a little and getting myself to a place that doesn't hurt so much. I have searched through all the heartache and found that inspite of what I had lost I had also gained as well and I want to honor him for what he has given me, so I made a choice and it was to live, love and learn from him. I wanted his memory to have a positive effect on my life and it has. I continue to hold my head up high and live my life the best way that I know how. Although now I see the world through different eyes. I appreciate the small things and spend less time worrying about the things I can not change. I don't take things for granted as much. I feel like I want less and love what I have so much more. I am finding happiness in more places and time spent with loved ones seems all the more precious. I value the gift of life and feel blessed for the memories that I have made with my children. Losing him was truly a life defining experience and I feel like some of me died with him, leaving me to rebuild who I am. I am learning so much about myself, life's lessons, the power of love and loss and how important family and true friends are. I feel like a much stronger, more loving and better person. I like the person I am becoming just not how I got here. If I had one wish and I couldn't bring him back I would wish to do it all over again, just to be in that moment with him. Just to see him again and hold his little hand. That one day with him was worth it, He is worth it and not a day goes by that I don't think of him.... I am forever changed. |
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